Until I Find You

Until I Find You (2005), a novel by North American author John Irving, follows aspiring young actor Jack Burns as he travels through Canada, the United States, and Northern Europe with his mother on a search for his father. Then, and when Jack returns as an adult, he connects with extended family members, gradually learning that there is more to his parents’ story than his mother disclosed. A bildungsroman, or coming-of-age story, the novel tracks Jack’s formation of identity through successive experiences with his sexuality and traumas. Irving based the novel on his own difficult childhood and relationship with his distant father. Themes central to the plot include desire, alienation, and the erasure and failure of memory.

The novel begins when Jack Burns is in the midst of adolescence. Ever since he was young, his mother has raised him as a single parent. She makes a living as a tattoo artist under the name Daughter Alice. Alice tells Jack that his father, William Burns, abandoned him when he was young; ever since, they have been searching for him, following clue after clue while Alice finds new clients in the Netherlands, Finland, and Norway. Alice’s narrative of William is foundational to Jack’s ambivalence toward his father: though he wishes he knew him, he resents him for abandoning his family. Since William works as a professional church organist, they narrow their search to areas known for having prominent church organs.

Once in Amsterdam, the trail of clues seems to fizzle out. Announcing that their search must be suspended, Alice moves with Jack back to Toronto. Jack is enrolled in private school, then, as a teenager, is sent to a boarding school in Maine. Alice begins a relationship with Leslie Oastler, a rich man. Leslie’s daughter, Emma, initiates Jack with his first sexual experience. Jack grows conflicted about the encounter, and the problem is compounded when an adult woman molests him.



While at boarding school, Jack discovers a love of acting. He excels at the performing arts and decides to become an actor after college. Jack moves to Hollywood, hot on the trail of Emma, now an aspiring novelist and screenplay writer who intrigues him. Emma’s first two novels are nationally acclaimed, launching her to literary fame. Meanwhile, Jack becomes known for his knack at playing in women’s roles. When Emma tragically dies, an apparent suicide, she leaves Jack a letter instructing him to publish her latest screenplay and pass it off as his own. He follows her wishes, becoming famous as well, even winning an Oscar for the work.

Some years pass, then Jack’s mother dies, having spent the final years of her life in Toronto. Out of a desire to gain a fuller understanding of his childhood and with the encouragement of a therapist, Jack returns to Northern Europe, following the same route he once took with his mother. There, he makes the revelation that his mother was never chasing his father after all. In fact, William was searching for Jack throughout his entire childhood, after Alice took Jack as collateral for a failing relationship that she didn’t want to end. Unbeknownst to Jack, Alice had dangled him like a carrot just out of William’s reach, while jealously thwarting his occasional other love interests. Jack also finds out that he has a Scottish half-sister. Through her, he reaches his father, who is in an elderly care center in Switzerland. Their reunion is deeply moving and healing for Jack, who learns that William kept tabs on him throughout his life.

Until I Find You reveals the psychic closeness that can survive even in broken families, allowing people to reconnect across time and space.