Hurting, blaming, or even killing people is an expression of anger, however it is a superficial expression of anger. To express anger more completely, we can engage in NVC, which is commonly misunderstood as entailing quashing or ignoring anger.

Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause

We must separate our anger from the other person. Others’ actions are only a stimulus, rather than a cause, of our anger. We often linguistically combine stimulus and cause, which creates guilt in others, such as “you make me angry,” rather than, “when you do x, I feel angry, because I have a belief that…” Framed this way, while the person’s action is a stimulus for our anger, it is only in conjunction with our own beliefs that we are angry.

We cause our own anger by believing that another person is wrong and deserves punishment. We should instead connect to which of our needs is being affected by another’s behavior, and then focus our attention on their own needs and feelings in the situations. If we are fully present with both our own needs and the needs of others, we do not feel anger.

All Anger Has a Life-Serving Core

All anger is life-alienating and reflects a need that is not being served.