Compliments can be unwittingly life-alienating if they are intended to influence behavior. They should only be used to celebrate another person’s life-enriching contribution to our life, rather than to manipulate behavior.

The Three Components of Appreciation

In NVC, appreciation is expressed through specifically labeling the action that contributed to wellbeing, coupled with a statement about how the action made us feel and what need was met.

Receiving Appreciation

Rosenberg observes that sometimes appreciation can feel like we have something to live up to; people’s praise can feel inauthentic. On the other hand, it can be difficult to receive appreciation without expressing feelings of superiority or false humility.

The Hunger for Appreciation

Often we crave appreciation—particularly in a work setting—because, Rosenberg suggests, we tend to be told when we are not doing something right and are told less often that we are doing something right. When Rosenberg spoke to a woman who did scheduling at a women’s shelter, she tearfully explained that she only ever heard of the conflicts that the latest schedule caused, rather than being thanked for positive aspects of the scheduling: “[S]he couldn’t remember ever receiving appreciation for her efforts to design a fair schedule” (190). We also apply this to our own lives; we tend to focus on what we have done poorly, even if we’ve done many other things well.