Greg lists the top three things he knows about girls: they prefer attractive guys (which Greg is not); they respond favorably to self-confidence (which Greg does not possess); and every attempt Greg has made towards girls has failed miserably. Greg offers five examples of his girl-getting techniques that include: accusing a girl he likes of having a crush on him (she did not); relentlessly insulting a girl he likes until he makes her cry; flirting with the best friend of the girl he likes; complimenting a girl’s boobs (which he learns they do not appreciate); and, pretending to be a gentleman with a British accent in order to get a girl to go on a date with him. These attempts happen in middle school; by high school, Greg chooses to not even try with girls.

Greg updates his readers as to where the girls from his failed attempts at dating are now. Cammie heads up the math team; Madison is the hottest girl in school; Leah’s a staunch feminist with multiple facial piercings and no hair; Mara attended a different high school; Mariah still talks a lot, but with the theater kids now; and Rachel got cancer.