Lying Awake

Lying Awake is a work of religious fiction by Mark Salzman. First published in 2000, it centers around a nun who finds out that her revelations and ecstatic visions are caused by a tumor, not God’s grace. The book was praised upon publication for exploring the boundaries of faith and for its depiction of life in a cloistered monastery. Salzman is an award-winning, bestselling novelist and nonfiction writer. He writes across multiple genres, and he is best known for a sense of humor and warm, honest writing. His work generally focuses on people who struggle to reach their goals and how they handle disappointment.

Lying Awake takes place in a Carmelite monastery situated on the outskirts of Los Angeles. The monastery has been around for centuries, and nothing remarkable ever happens there. As it’s a cloistered monastery, the nuns don’t have any contact with the outside world, and they dedicate their entire lives to religious worship.

The protagonist is Sister John of the Cross. She joined the monastery almost 30 years ago, and she’s very happy here. The other nuns dote on her because God blesses her with spiritual visions. She sees God and He communicates with her through vivid imagery. She writes poetry about her visions, and her poetry is so colorful and inspiring that she sells it and uses the proceeds to repair things like the monastery roof.



One day, Sister John experiences the worst headache of her life. When the pain fades, she’s surrounded by God’s love and very pleasurable sensations. However, Mother Mary Joseph, a Living Rule nun, worries that there’s something wrong with Sister John this time, and she sends her to a neurologist.

At the clinic, a clinician called Dr. Sheppard orders Sister John an EEG and a CT scan. Throughout the testing, Sister John clings to her faith. She trusts in God’s plan, and she knows that suffering brings her closer to Christ. She notes that the clinicians and the nursing staff are very respectful towards her, even if she stands out from everyone because of her habit. She thinks of Saint Gertrude, a mystic with chronically ill health, and begs the saint for strength.

Dr. Sheppard calls Sister John back to discuss the results. It turns out that there’s a small tumor behind her ear which causes hallucinations, headaches, and euphoria. According to Dr. Sheppard, the divine visions aren’t from God at all. They’re seizures. Although Dr. Sheppard is confident that he can remove the tumor and she’ll make a full recovery, Sister John doesn’t want him to remove it.



The problem is that Sister John bases her whole identity around her Godly experiences. If God isn’t speaking through her, then she’s nothing. Never in her life has she felt so alone and isolated. She doesn’t know how to tell Mother Mary Joseph and the others, because they’ll all think she’s a fraud.

Sister John thinks back on how she chose a monastic vocation in the first place. She remembers entering the monastery in 1969 as a reserved, awkward young girl called Helen. Although she knew God called her to the monastery, she didn’t feel worthy of the calling and she didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

After 13 years pass, Helen, now Sister John, still doubts her worthiness as a servant of Christ. She doesn’t feel God around her and she wonders if God exists at all. Helen was miserable in the outside world because she had a chaotic home life and no real friends, but she can’t help wondering if she’s made the right choice by joining the monastery. She wonders if she misinterpreted God’s plan for her and if she’s on the wrong path. For years, Sister John fights these conflicting feelings until the psychedelic visions begin.



One day, Sister John’s mother visits the monastery. Sister John hasn’t heard from her mother in many years, and her grandparents raised her. She doesn’t understand why her mother suddenly wants to see her now. Sister John’s mother explains that she wasn’t ready to be a mother when she was born, but she has a family now and they don’t know about Sister John. Although Sister John wants to see her half-siblings, her mother refuses to allow this and tells her that they don’t know she exists. Her mother doesn’t plan on seeing her again and only wanted to say goodbye. Again, Sister John questions the very existence of God.

Back in the present, Sister John must decide whether to undergo the operation or let her condition deteriorate. She agrees to the surgery, but she knows that nothing can be the same when she wakes up. She’ll always be known as the nun with epilepsy who wrote false poetry. Mother Mary Joseph reminds her that no one truly understands God’s will, and that all we can do is follow the path He lays out for us. Sister John may not understand her path, but she must walk it anyway. This is a comfort to Sister John who reaffirms her commitment to the monastery.