“I can’t make sense of it. If my weight isn’t enough to get Mom to wake up, then nothing will be. And if nothing can wake her up, then that means she’s really going to die. And if she’s really going to die, what am I supposed to do with myself? My life purpose has always been to make Mom happy, to be who she wants me to be. So without Mom, who am I supposed to be now?”

When Jennette opens the book with her mother’s death, the reader has more questions than answers. She processes her mother’s fate in real-time with the reader, asking a series of connected questions that ask what purpose she can have outside of pleasing her mother.

“Mom reminisces about cancer the way most people reminisce about vacations. She even goes so far as to MC a weekly rewatch of a home video she made shortly after learning of her diagnosis.”

Jennette’s mother has a strong sense of victimhood and enjoys watching others express concern for her. Her sense of martyrdom is strong enough that after church, the family must watch a video of themselves crying over her cancer as she provides commentary. Jennette uses a wry tone to describe her mother’s joy over these occasions, highlighting the morbid absurdity.

“This day was stressful and not fun, and if given the choice, I would choose to never do anything like it again. On the other hand, I do want what Mom wants, so she’s kind of right.”

As young Jennette reflects on her day auditioning for an agency, confused after her mother told the agent that this is Jennette’s dream. Ultimately, she comes to agree with her mother, because she wants whatever her mother wants. This line of thinking continues throughout Jennette’s life.