Content Warning: This guide and the source material deal closely with the theme of trauma. Both reference child abuse, substance misuse, verbal and physical abuse, sexual assault, rape, suicide, and suicidal ideation.

“I had no idea on that first day that psychotherapy wasn’t the psychologist solving problems but rather two people facing each other, week after week, endeavoring to reach some kind of psychological truth we could agree on.”

Gildiner is quick to point out that therapy is a process that requires the patient’s active engagement and participation, and that the therapist themself has no magic solutions to the issues that the patient seeks to resolve. In this way, Gildiner presents herself with humility which adds to the approachability of her book. This passage sets up her later discussions of how therapy involves not only uncovering and discovering the ways in which a person’s past shapes them but developing tools to improve one’s daily life in the present and future.

“One thing I learned from Laura’s case was that a psychologist cannot judge. Everyone is judgmental to some degree; it’s how we humans sort and assess situations.”

Dr. Gildiner recognizes that Laura Wilkes is defensive of her father (despite his abuse of her). This defense is frustrating to her because she—being an objective outsider—can recognize the way Laura’s father’s behavior has been harmful and is inexcusable. However, to challenge Laura’s perception at this juncture, Gildiner realizes, would not work to change Laura’s view of her father and would not be helpful to Laura’s progression. Instead, Laura must slowly arrive at this perception in her own time.

“I had to dial it back and focus on seeking psychological truth, not the literal truth. We really had no way of knowing the truth.”

Gildiner stresses that much of what is important about exploring the past has less to do with factual events but with the patient’s interpretations of them. What happened is less important than how the event affected the patient and how it creates patterns or behaviors that shape the patient’s future.